Woman to Woman: Releasing Your Inner Sex Goddess

It’s the most common complaint of the married couple – the fire has gone out of their sex life, that passion that they used to feel in the early years has given way to the same life, day in and out. You might blame the kids, the dog, the job or the house and be right on all accounts…but the choice to reignite your big girl flame begins inside of you and you alone. If the thought of becoming or nurturing your inner sex goddess doesn’t sit well with you, rest assured that there are lots of personality types in women…and some simply are not going to resonate with the concept of sex as communication and commitment. There is no right or wrong way to go about the passion that you feel for your mate.

For those of us girls with a sensual subnature – you know who you are, the girls who always do their paws and claws with some flair, believe that going out requires looking your absolute best, even if it’s to the grocery store – if your walk will stop traffic – it’s you. The idea of making love for hours interests you, and I understand. I want to kiss the man I love for two hours…it’s amazing. I could do it every day for the rest of my life. I have spent the past few months learning much about the Tantric concepts of lovemaking for specifically that reason – I love him. Given that I’m still his number one fan, knowing all his faults and failures, giving him the connectedness of being one in body, mind and soul is the most unique and priceless gift I could find.

Eroticism is the most misunderstood part of marital sex. Psychologist term the “committed to one another, but marked by an uninspired sex life” of couples who seek counseling as a functional relationship. In this case, the two people have entangled their intimate connection to one another with all that stuff listed above…the kids, house, job, the latest fight, grudges, and conflicts or hurt feelings. All of it is there in the bedroom, never leaving, never resolving. This couple may appear to be “finding themselves” but actually live two nearly separate lives. They find time to have sex and children. In many marriages, love is about the basic of intimate necessity (safety and security) for her and natural desire for him. It’s an adolescent pattern that places the potential for shame over sexual intimacy and unfulfilled desires, mixed with an unwillingness to grow or experiment within the context of the relationship.

What does erotic love have to do with having a healthy connection? Good question. Eroticism is often seen as a negative or “dirty” concept regaled to the adult video section where nice girls don’t tread. In reality, eroticism is highly fulfilling to the couple and can really enhance your intimate connection with your partner. The essence of erotic sex is far from acting out porn (although many couples find this to be a pleasurable aid in intimacy) or acting out on risky impulses…instead, it is about playfulness, mystery, curiosity and a creative intimacy that is totally free.

Erotic Love

So you’ve made the commitment that you want to feel and experience the heightened mind, body and spiritual connection that is possible with your mate? First step is to get them on board with your thought process. Your goal is the ultimate in intensity possible. This can only happen when you join your energy as a unique human soul with your mate’s energy…through deliberate lovemaking and erotic relaxation, you can achieve this state of erotic bliss. It must be a shared journey with the purpose of uniting your sexual energy in the most intimate way possible.

Exercise One:

Find a comfortable space where you can lay that also has many pillows. You cannot be interrupted, by sound or another individual. Put soft background music on that appeal to you both – preferably something unfamiliar without lyrics. Give yourself a good couple hours for this practice. Setting the space is highly important – look for lower lighting including candlelight, incense with jasmine or dragons blood scenting, an aromatic oil or lotion placed in a warmer, and no clutter. A chilled bottle of wine is optional. You will need gauze or flimsy scarf, rose petals (fresh) and a small bowl of ice.

Your goal is to depart from the everyday world in a meditative state with your loved one, and the routine of place and clutter will block the experience. Begin by coming close together, breathing in as the other breathes out. Wearing lose fitting natural clothing is the best at this juncture, such as a light cotton robe. Breathe deeply in as your lover – think in those terms, and envision that person that you crave as your most intimate connection – exhales. Breathe each other in. Recognize the act, feel his breath mingle with yours, drawing deeply his air – and he yours. Intentionally gaze deeply into each others eyes, breathing. Allow each of you to simply use your fingers to trace the face, the eyelids the lips, the throat. Feel the elegance of their hair against your skin, breathing them in all the while. Feel your own energy rise with each touch of the fingertips.

Have your love recline on the pillows, still remaining in a quasi upright position. It’s time for that lotion to warm his skin…test it to make sure it is not too hot. The love of my life often remarks on how much he loves how I smell – and I use that lotion for that purpose. I want him to think of what it is like to have his hand on my waist, to feel the softness of skin on skin, and to kiss for hours. Straddle your mate so that your chests are facing, without engaging in the touch of any private parts. Clothes are still on, girls.

I’ve spent hours tracing my fingers up and down my love’s shoulders, breathing in the smell of his hair, describing to him in detail how much I love the feeling of his body against mine. Try that with your mate, giving time to each part of his body, recognizing the beauty and strength of each muscle, each space. It is important to remain in eye contact, absorbing the energy of your union and the space around you. Be present and aware of the feelings in your own body, and the desire fueled by the intensity. As your intensity increases, take turns blindfolding each other to use the other items near you. Crush the rose petals and have your lover inhale their fragrance; feel them against their bare chest. Trace ice on the tips of fingers, against the inside of the thigh or even on the tongue. Other items you might try: feathers, strawberries, warmed stones for massage. If each of you comes to the experience with your own surprise box (unknown to the other) it will greatly increase your playful time.

Remember: this form of sex is designed to broaden deepen and expand the boundaries of your relationship. It’s here that you find you have no inhibitions left – and it is true that in this discovery process, your inhibitions will fall away into the trust of your union together. When it feels appropriate, you change positions and allow him to fully discover your body as well. An important note: sometimes this is a slow, sensual and erotic process. Sometimes, the intensity takes over and there is no pulling back from the absolute bliss that we find being intimate together. There is no right or wrong.

This exercise doesn’t end in sex…although it can if you want it to. The point is to build your erotic time together and increase your anticipation of the act of lovemaking to be the most intense, pleasurable experience possible. Anticipation is 90% of erotic love, and it might end with intense against the wall passionate sex, or it may spiral into days of making love in your mind before a union might happen.

It’s never hard to start. Begin early in the day by leaving a note or a flower, or letting your love know that you’re imagining their body as you work out, considering how the sweat forms on their muscles as you picture them in the gym with you, the erotic nature of coming together in an uncommon place or time. Whisper into your phone or his ear in a public place something that he doesn’t expect…and smile. Make eye contact. Allow your energy to flow into him, through him and then back into you.

Like you, I want sensuality and emotionality that transcends everyday life. I don’t believe in “losing the spark.” Instead, I want to create a healthy, erotic firestorm that inspires him to feel connected and fulfilled by our union, every day for the rest of our lives.

Help For the Partners of Sex Addicts

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ’s)

· What is sex addiction?

Sex addiction is an obsessive relationship to sexual thoughts, fantasies or activities that an individual continues to engage in despite adverse consequences. These thoughts, fantasies or activities occupy a disproportionate amount of “psychic space”, resulting in an imbalance in the person’s overall functioning in important areas of life, such as work and marriage. Distress, shame and guilt about the behaviors erode the addict’s already weak self-esteem.

Sexual addiction can be conceptualized as an intimacy disorder manifested as a compulsive cycle of preoccupation, ritualization, sexual behavior, and despair. Central to the disorder is the inability of the individual to adequately bond and attach in intimate relationships. The syndrome is rooted in early attachment failure with primary caregivers. It is a maladaptive a way to compensate for this early attachment failure. Addiction is a symbolic enactment of deeply entrenched unconscious dysfunctional relationships with self and others.

While the definition of sex addiction is the same as that of other addictions, sexual compulsion is set apart from other addictions in that sex involves our innermost unconscious wishes, needs, fantasies, fears and conflicts.

Like other addictions, it is relapse prone.

· How do I know if my partner is a sex addict?

Sometimes, it’s difficult to know whether someone close to you has an addiction. The addict might hide the addictive behavior or you might not know the warning signs or symptoms.

Here are some of the signs and symptoms:

* Staying up late to watch television or surf the Web.

* Looking at pornographic material such as magazines, books, videos and clothing catalogs.

* Frequently isolating themselves from spouses or partners, and doesn’t inform them of their whereabouts.

* Are controlling during sexual activity or have frequent mood swings before or after sex.

* Are demanding about sex, especially regarding time and place.

* Gets angry if someone shows concern about a problem with pornography

* Offers no appropriate communication during sex

* Lacks intimacy before, during and after sex, and offers little or no genuine intimacy in the relationship

* Does not want to socialize with others, especially peers who might intimidate them

* Fails to account for increasing number of toll – 800 or 900 – calls

* Frequently rents pornographic videotapes

* Seems to be preoccupied in public with everything around them

* Has tried to switch to other forms of pornography to show a lack of dependency on one kind; concoct rules to cut down but doesn’t adhere to them

* Feels depressed

* Is increasingly dishonest

* Hides pornography at work or home

* Lacks close friends of the same sex

* Frequently uses sexual humor

* Always has a good reason for looking at pornography (Psych Central.com).

· Why can’t he/she control his/her sexual behavior?

It’s important for you to know that your partner is not volitionally involved in these behaviors so you can begin to understand and, perhaps, forgive. Most addicts would stop if they could.

It’s been said that of all the addictions, sex is the most difficult to manage. This syndrome is a complex mixture of biological, psychological, cultural, and family-of-origin issues, the combination of which creates impulses and urges that are virtually impossible to resist. Despite the fact that acting them out produces considerable long-term negative consequences, the addict simply cannot resist his/her impulses. Individuals who are highly disciplined, accomplished and able to direct the force of their will in other areas of life fall prey to sexual compulsion. More importantly, people who love and cherish their partners can still be enslaved by these irresistible urges.

Research has also shown that the inability to control sexual impulses is associated with neurochemical imbalances in the norepinephrine, serotonin and dopamine systems. The use of certain anti-depressants (SSRI’s) has thus shown to be very effective in treating the impulse control problems of many sexual compulsives.

Biological predisposition contributes and combines with psychological factors. One of the reasons the “erotic haze” is so compulsory is that it is an unconscious but maladaptive way to repair earlier disturbed, anxiety-laden relationships. It shores up an inadequate sense of self which results from these early-life interpersonal abandonments, intrusions and misattunements.

This combination of biological and psychological factors results in an “affective disorder” in the sex addict. Feeling of depression, anxiety, boredom and emptiness are quickly alleviated by immersing oneself in an imaginary world that provides novelty, excitement, mystery and intense pleasure. Sex addiction is better than Prosac. It heals, it soothes, it contains, it provides a “safe place” free from the demands of actual performance, and it gives an illusory sense of belonging. The sense of empowerment in the illicit sex act rectifies “holes in the soul” and lifts the addict from feelings of inadequacy, insufficiency, depression and emptiness into a state of instant euphoria.

Relinquishing this very special (but delusional) mental and physical state can result in a sense of withdrawal which may include mood swings, inability to concentrate and irritability. These symptoms usually disappear in therapy as the sense of self is solidified and he finds more creative ways to deal with uncomfortable feelings.

· What are the effects of cybersex addiction on the relationship?

Effects of sex addiction on the sex addict’s partner can be numerous, encompassing a wide range of emotions and reactive behaviors. The sexual codependent’s experience is similar to, but not thoroughly identical to, a codependent person in a relationship with a substance abuser. A codependent partner of a drug addict or alcohol, for example, may manage to understand and even sympathize with her partner’s alcohol problem due to the lesser social condemnation.

But a compulsive addiction that involves engaging in sexual activities on the computer or outside of the home inflicts a psychic injury of ultimate betrayal. Sexuality goes to the heart of who we are.

Arguable, one purpose and outcome of cybersex is to detach and disconnect sexual experience from real relationships in life. Cybersex’s primary stimulus to autoerotic behavior produces profound disconnection of the sexual experience from relationship context and meaning. Compulsive viewing of pornography, for instance, in no way supports or fosters intimate, attachment-linked sexual gratification, anchored in emotional connection, intimate responsiveness and relationship fidelity.

Cybersex addiction reinforces a non-intimate, non-relational, and non-demanding sexual experience — a detached, disconnected physical arousal geared to the self-engrossed preoccupation typical of addictive sexual behavior. Cybersex entrenches emotional, psychological and spiritual/existential disconnection of sexuality from relationship context. Entrance into the “erotic haze” that encompasses the sex addict induces sexual arousal, climax and resolution without real relationship attentiveness, responsiveness, or commitment – the key dimensions of a loving attachment.

The behavior directly undermines trust in the couple’s relationship. Thus, the sexual dynamics depicted in cybersex are inherently detrimental and destructive to secure attachment that is essential to a sense of trust in the relationship.

It is also reasonably anticipated that a husband’s deception and lying – the existence of a “secret world” apart from the primary relationship is an overlapping, yet also separate detrimental influence upon relationship trust.

For some women, this lack of trust in their husband’s word – leads to uncertainty about the “substance” of the man they married, uncertainty about his true identity and a change in their perception of his identity – that of seeing him as fundamentally untrustworthy and of disreputable character. Thus, their internal model of their husband changes.

Others may feel that the husband is unable to fulfill marital expectations of emotional intimacy and companionship. They talk about not trusting that their husband would fulfill the role of being someone who could provide emotional support. They feel unable to turn to their husbands for this emotional support for different reasons: fearing she would trigger a relapse; feeling rejected because of his involvement in computer sex; sensing her husband’s inability to provide emotional support; being shamed by a husband’s angry or dismissive response from her attempts to reach out for support and companionship; or resolving that her husband was emotionally preoccupied with his own struggle with addiction.

The addict’s use of cybersex causes self doubt and lowered self esteem in the spouse. These women feel they aren’t pretty enough or skinny enough, or whatever. In any event, the feel that they are not what their husbands want. Some feel that if they were more sexually desirable, he wouldn’t have this problem. Sometimes, in a frantic effort to compete with unreal women on the internet or with prostitutes, they go to extremes with cosmetic surgery, breast implantation, excessive exercise – in the mistaken belief that if she can lure him back sexually and her husband would stop being interested in pornography and the marriage could be redeemed.

Some spouses feel that her husband’s use of internet pornography is a direct attack on her self-worth. They start doubting themselves. They doubt their self-worth. They start doubting the things that used to make them feel special and meaningful. Because if she had any meaning, why was he doing what he’s doing?

The wife is often stunned, confused, and in extreme pain upon discovery of the sexual/cybersex addiction. Anger and resentment can be overwhelming. For many partners, the addict’s betrayal can precipitate trauma that resembles post-traumatic stress disorder.

A wife can believe that sex is the most important way to express love, so her partner’s sexual acting out can leave her feeling deeply inadequate and unlovable.

Within the union, the partner’s low self-esteem can contribute to anxiety and fear of being abandoned. Often she will set aside her moral values and tolerates participating in sexual behaviors with her partner which are unacceptable or even repugnant to her. She feels too unworthy to have solid sexual boundaries. She mistakenly believes that she can stop his acting out if she satisfies his (insatiable and unrealistic) sexual needs.

A surprisingly common effect reported by many partners – after the shock of discovery -is the feeling of losing one’s mind. Obsessing about the details of the sex addict’s betrayal, repeatedly confronting her partner with “evidence” of infidelity and being told she’s “crazy” or “just jealous” results in a loss of focus and an inability to concentrate. Fear and anger aggravate the condition. Furthermore, there is an element of intense shame for both addict and sexual codependent attached to sexual addiction, especially if his interests involve an object, cross-dressing, dominance and submission or children. She isolates herself from friends, family and community due to her shame, which provides fertile ground for depression. In some situations, the partner is brought to a point of absolute despair.

Some maladaptive strategic responses the sexual codependent may engage in as a means of coping include excessive alcohol consumption, food binges, excessive house cleaning, and overtime career activity; acts that can serve as distractions from her distrust, pain and hostility. Distractions, of course, provide only a temporary and false “relief” and often create more problems than they solve.

When the partner’s anger and resentment are suppressed over a period of time, they eventually explode in a volcano of rage, blame, and furious criticism of the sex addict.

The explosion of frustrated emotions can open a door to enormous guilt and remorse, so the partner may forgive the addict’s offenses and not stand clear in setting boundaries for herself. The result is an unfortunate snare for the couple, in which the partner unwittingly enables the sex addict to carry on with his unacceptable pattern of sexual acting out.

The converse is true regarding the emotional influences on the wife. She may turn inward, withdraw, stay silent and distant. This can include withdrawing from any sexual activity with the addict. These stonewalling behaviors can ignite strong feelings of shame and rejection in the sex addict. In a way, the partner succeeds in punishing the sex addict through these behaviors. But the price of this punishment may be a return to his active addiction as a way to deal with conflict at home.

A tremendously debilitating effect on the partner is to assume all responsibility for the addict’s sexual acting out, and even for all of the problems in the relationship. The sex addict may exploit this to his advantage, perpetuating self-doubt within the partner.

For example, the partner may confront her spouse with evidence of a transgression, like a credit card charge to a hotel, but the sex addict is skillful and experienced in deception. He will boldly challenge the partner’s credibility, suggesting she see a “shrink” for being so paranoid and suspicious of him. He can persuasively feign righteous indignation, causing his partner to distrust her own instincts and perceptions, even in the face of tangible evidence.

The self doubt can plague the partner, aggravating her confusion and contributing to the feeling of “losing my mind”. Not wanting to continue to feel “crazy”, she may retreat into denial, the basic and most fundamental defense mechanism for both partner and addict. When in denial, she will believe the addict’s lies, however far-fetched they may be. She will accept the unacceptable. Whichever lies the sex addict offers to cover up his addiction, she is compelled to “not rock the boat” in order to assuage her abandonment fears.

· What are the characteristics of a sexual codependent?

Firstly, let’s consider what codependency is. Codependency is an overworked and overused word and definitions can be confusing. At core, it revolves around a deep fear of losing the approval and presence of the “other”. This underlying fear can result in manipulative behaviors that overfocus on maintaining another person’s presence and approval. Control, obsequiousness, anger, caretaking, and being over-responsible are among the behaviors that can be the manifestations of codependent behavior. Because of dysfunctional family-of-origin issues, codependents learn to react rather than respond to others, take responsibility for others, worry about others, and depend on others to make them feel useful or alive.

Codependence also refers to the way events from childhood unconsciously produces attitudes and behaviors that propel people into destructive relationships in the present. The self worth of the codependent comes from external sources. They need other people to give them feelings of self-worth. Codependence is a particular relationship with one’s self in which the person doesn’t trust his or her own experiences. Lacking the inner boundaries necessary to be aware of and express their true wants, feelings, goals and opinions, they are “other-validating”. Having only a reflected sense of self, they constantly seek affirmation and validation from other people because they are unable to endorse and validate from within. “Self-validating” people are able to do this. Co-dependents often focus on an addict’s sobriety as a way to achieve a precarious sense of self- consolidation. Sadly, their behavior often perpetuates the loved one’s addiction.

Codependent people believe they can’t survive without their partners and will do anything they can do to stay in the relationship, however painful. The fear of losing their partners and being abandoned (once again) overpowers her ability to make decisions in her own best interests. The thought of addressing the partner’s addiction can be terrifying: they may be frightened of igniting the partner’s anger which can result in feeling emotionally flooded by (childhood) fears of loss.

The sexual co-dependent suffers from additional symptoms: driven by the potential loss of the relationship, which she sees as identical with her very identity, some women engage in sexual activities with their partners that they find distasteful or even morally repugnant – all in an effort to keep him home and happy. However, this type of fantasy-based acting out may not be based on her real sexual needs and desires and opens the way to turning his partner into yet another object. Certain kinds of sexual acting out can turn sex into another fix for him. The partner senses this, making her sense of sexual betrayal even more poignant.

Pornography As a Turn-On for Fun-Driven Adult Sex

Adventurous couples can buy a pornographic video and watch it together. That is generally a surefire way to end up in bed. In fact, it is usually when couples are in bed that they watch such films. And if the film is a good one they will enjoy being turned on as they watch it. Many couples find that the provocative content stimulates them to duplicate what is being viewed. They are impulsively driven to touch each other, kid around, mimic the sex acts, and swing from the imagined chandelier as they tickle each other’s fancy.

In many countries in the world, including most industrialized ones, pornography is not banned or hidden from view. For example, at King’s Cross district in Sydney, Australia a section of the city is designated to show and sell pornography Sex oriented videos, DVDs, books, sex toys, lubricants, assumed aphrodisiacs, are sold in kiosks and stores. Strip clubs, restaurants, massage parlors and other clubs are available to meet members of the opposite sex.

In Europe, in many countries, and cities pornography is not hidden and thus available for adults. In all the countries there are restrictions to the sale of pornography to children and prosecution of offenders is open and continuous.

In the US pornography is not banned from sale to adults although there is no tolerance on anyone abusing the Child Pornography laws.

But for the purpose of improving the sex life of adults pornography has a place for some. Do you have to be lonely or hard-up to use porn? The answer is No. Porn can be a substitute for sex for many lonely and sex starved adults, mainly men, and for adults without a partner who like visual stimulation for self-arousal.

Finally, let’s examine whether pornography can fit into the armamentarium of the average adult who wishes for increased stimulation for lovemaking. What can porno offer?
As with any movie there is added stimulation by watching real pictures compared to imaging such scenes. Some porno videos actually tell a reasonable story where there is more than just sexual exploitation. So some selection is necessary. Google is a good resource to discover what are considered the best sex videos made in the past few decades.

Beside adding visual stimulation couples can mimic what they see, learn about new positions, empathize with the excitement of the sex partners, imagine participating in the viewed sex, experience sex beyond their own interests, such as gay, bi, S and M, bondage, oral and anal sex, and the use of fetishes. Some show dancing, foreplay that could be stimulating and perhaps above all can act as a stimulus to open the viewers to become freer and lustier about sex.

If you attempt to try out the benefits of sex videos and it is new to you imagine becoming an adventurer and explorer so you don’t take a negative bias into your viewing. An open mind will allow you to gain what might be there for you. At the very worst it won’t have any effect on you and may even turn you off. If so, just chalk it up as another interesting experience.

To determine if pornography may be a stimulus for your personal sex life approach its use openly. It might be a new vehicle for greater enjoyment of sex for occasional use or even frequent use. Remember adults have no restrictions on what they mutually do and prefer behind closed doors. So enjoy the movies and enjoy the sex and know you have taken another step to gaining a new stimulus for sex and love.

by Marvin H. Berenson, M.D. July 12, 2011

To discover new and effective ways to have a wonderful, romantic love life and to become a great lover, my book “Love and Sex” offers frank and wide-reaching information. You will find a truly in-depth look at what actually happens during sex and how to overcome sexual difficulties. By reading this book you can change your love life.

Creating Winning Adult Online Sex Dating Profiles

Are you weighing your options regarding signing on with adult online sex dating sites? Perhaps you are but are wondering if this experience is really for you. Honestly, when you take time out to wonder if you are taking the right steps, you are doing yourself a great service.

Sites that revolve around adult online sex dating are not exactly “PG rated” in nature. As such, it can be understandable that you might have some apprehensions about signing on with such a site.

But, do not dismiss you intentions out of hand. Rather than do this, it might be better to just keep a few things in mind prior to signing on with such a dating site. Here are some of the things you should keep in mind:

Try to keep your identity a secret if you are worried about anyone finding out you signed on with an amorous site. This is pretty to do. Just do not provide any telling personal info or hints of personal info on your profile. You would also want to block out your facial image on any photos. If you do not worry about hiding your identity, you probably would not have to worry about this. Those that do should take the advice herein. It can make the entire experience less of a worry for you.

And speaking of photos, try to make yourself look upbeat and positive in the photos. Sure, a few alluring photos can be a positive. But, it also does not hurt to add a few upbeat and lighthearted photos to the mix as well. They can definitely enhance your chances of impressing someone perusing your profile.

Do not make your profile too adult oriented. Some may scoff at the notion that the profiles on adult online sex dating sites should not be explicit. Honestly, you can devise your profile in any manner you wish. However, it would be to your benefit that you crafted a profile that was not going to undermine the cause. An explicit profile may scare off those potentially interested in you. And yes, this can even happen on adult online sex dating sites.

Does the site offer audio or video capabilities? Placing a pre-recording message on the profile can be a big help. Again, as long as you are not worried about safeguarding your identity, such means of communicating with browsers can prove to be a huge help.

When in doubt, always ask for advice. Sometimes, the customer service department of the adult online sex dating service may be willing to provide a helpful critique of your profile. This could prove to be a huge help to those that may not be sure if their profile is a quality one.

How to Tell Your Partner You Want to Watch Adult Movies During Sex

If you just started a new relationship or have been married for twenty years, when it comes to talking with your lover about the desire to watch adult movies during sex, is never easy. However, in reality you’ll never know how they will answer unless you ask. Instead of hiding it like it’s a dirty little secret, the open communication can improve your sex life and improve other aspects of your relationship.

It’s normal to be worried about your lover’s reaction, use a third-party indirect question such as: “Bill told me over coffee that Linda and him watch channel X while making love. Have you ever imagined watching adult movies during sex? Apparently they really like it.”

The preframe for this conversation is that watching adult movies is a healthy medium. Bill and Linda improved their sex life through stimulating images and auditory enhancers of groans and dirty talk. By asking her if she likes it before you even suggest you’re into it, will loosen up the pressure on you and give you an answer without facing judgement.

If your lover says, “sure let’s check some out,” keep in mind while the movie is rolling to stare at her often. Tell her she is sexier than all the women. Repeat some of the dirty lines aloud as if she were one of porn stars. Guide your lover into the positions. Always stay in the moment instead of becoming fixated on the screen. Afterwards, ask her what else she wants to try. Watching adult movies with your lover is an excellent gateway to more kinky arts.

How Pornography Addiction Affects The Sex Lives of Couples

If one half of a couple is addicted to pornography in a monogamous relationship, it is a certainty that over time, the amount of sex that couple will have will reduce significantly (and eventually disappear altogether) and that any sex they do have will gradually become less loving and more perverse or aggressive as time goes on.

Many partners of porn addicts explain how at the start of their relationships their sex lives were breath-taking and about emotional and sexual intimacy but that over time – as their partner’s porn use increased – sex became less tender, more aggressive and far less frequent.

As this happens, many partners gradually begin to feel nothing more than objectified tools for the instant gratification of their porn addict – and totally interchangeable with porn – and cry inwardly at this. Some feel like punching their addict in the face when they are reduced to body parts to be mauled and assaulted during sex. They know their partner’s minds are with the porn images and porn performers they have seen and that they are – in effect – just pseudo sex dolls. They cease to feel cherished as a result. For many, kissing vanishes too – both from sex and their relationship as a whole.

Many loved ones feel that their partners would rather be having sex with “perfect” porn performers and not with their imperfect selves and this makes them feel ugly and undesirable which slowly but surely chips away at their self esteem more and more every day. This is made all the worse when porn addicts ask their partners to re-enact porn scenes they have seen or to act like porn performers during sex. Knowing their partners can only keep an erection if they do, they comply but then feel cheapened afterwards. Sex soon becomes utterly devoid of any real intimacy as a result. Sometimes, partners are not even asked for sex but are just taken roughly from behind. Others are groped whilst they sleep. This is probably because their addict has been watching “unconscious porn”.

As their partner’s addiction escalates, loved ones are often asked to do increasingly disturbing sexual things such as: remove all body hair so they look like the barely legal/ teenage bodies their partners are viewing; engage in S&M and bondage; have pain inflicted on them; have other people involved in their sex (which include “lesbians”, “shemales” and prostitutes); dress like porn performers or strippers; allow themselves to be slapped or strangled and are asked to have rough anal sex – amongst many other things and usually dependent upon what the porn addict has been viewing.

Their porn addicts soon begin to scare them. At first loved ones believe their partners behavior is simply sexual experimentation but soon realise something seriously untoward is happening yet loved ones can still be plagued with the feeling that it is they who are over-reacting and their partner usually agrees – telling them it is they who are “prudes”. Many loved ones do not want to be giving their partners what they often term “the nastier stuff” because it feels like a sort of rape to them but often do not have the strength to say no because they fear their addict will do porn all the more – and this is one of their worst fears as the porn is “competition”. One woman in my research wrote “Porn to me is like him having a lot of different mistresses – all of which my husband prefers to me. My husband has something that I can’t compete with – a never-ending stream of women who will do whatever he wants and ask for nothing in return.”

Often, porn addicts will go to porn for their arousal prior to sex leaving their partners naked in bed waiting for them. This hurts partners deeply. Sex then usually lasts only a few minutes and then the person leaves them immediately after climax (that is if climax is still possible due to the erectile dysfunction issues addicts have due to escalating porn use which is often the case).

The partners of porn addicts become obsessed over time with trying to get closer again to their loved ones as well as doing all they can to control or stop their partners porn use and will often go to great lengths to try and accomplish these things. In the process they often end up abandoning all their inhibitions and do things they do not want to be doing. But even “spicing things up” (like being filmed, photographed, going to adult or swingers clubs with their partners or adding more people to the sexual mix) does not keep their partners attention for long. More is then expected sexually of the partner. And whether the loved one gives the addict sex or not, the porn use never stops regardless how many times a day sex is given. Often, partners find their partners doing porn soon after having sex with them.

Often loved ones will start off being “the cool wife/ partner” by watching soft-core porn with the person, getting them subscriptions to porn magazines or porn channels as well as doing the whole “strip club” thing with them but none of these things bring the couple closer together. Quite the opposite in fact. It pushes them further apart because the loved one is enabling the addicts addiction and sex eventually becomes non-existent. Instead the addict just ends up just wanting to do porn on their own as their addiction progresses and the loved one is always thrown on the sexual scrap-heap feeling like just a room-mate to the person. If sex happens at all, it is usually the partner who initiates it and even then, there’s no foreplay or warmth and the addict has trouble orgasming or simply just staying erect/ aroused. Often addicts will fake orgasm then masturbate to porn whilst their loved one is asleep next to them. Addicts cunningly cover their backs by asking for sex only when their partner is too drained to be able to do it. Begging for sex starts to become humiliating for loved ones.

And so it goes on and on… Sometimes loved ones sleep on the couch to try and get the person to see sense but their addict simply does porn more now they don’t have to think of their partner being in the bedroom. Or the porn addict says they have erectile dysfunction due to being on an anti-depressant only to then be caught by their partner downloading porn and masturbating. Porn addicts end up complaining to their partners about being hounded for sex which leaves the self esteem of the loved one in shreds. This is the same for gay and straight relationships and where the porn addict is male or female.

And yet here is the irony… When the partners of porn addicts are being rejected left, right and centre sex wise their porn addicted partners are likely acting out with 3D games that allow players to “have sex with” performers where they can “give performers virtual orgasms”. If they are not doing that they also have the choice to buy and “have sex with” performer “body parts” (vagina and anus) made in the performers exact measurements. The real life partner is dying inside waiting for their loved one to touch them meanwhile “sex” is going on with a blow up body part and one day soon, a virtual reality avatar…

Watching Porn Doesn’t Have To Be an Event for Just One

Let’s face it; men love their porn. It is the visual stimulation that turns them on and gets them in the mood. This doesn’t have to be an event that you do by yourself though. You can certainly include your partner so that you can spice up your sex life and perhaps take it to a new level. Porn movies do not have to be secretive, which if found by your partner can lead to arguments and mistrust. You should just bring it up to your partner to see if she may be interested in watching it with you. It will no longer be a “dirty secret” and you can both enjoy your fantasy life together.

When you first bring up the topic of watching porn together you should not just jump right into it. Make sure it is something that you can do together by buying a porn movie that is rather tame to start with. You do not want to start off with something hard core that will scare her off. Ask her what her fantasy might be and then try to find a movie that incorporates it, so that she is more interested in it.

You may also want to consider getting something special for that night. You may want to try a cream that turns women on more. This will not only turn her on, but will bring her to arousal quickly and with more intensity. There even is a product that will really enhance her sex drive. It is a daily supplement that makes a woman feel sexy and beautiful. With these products you are sure to have a better time together than ever before.

With adult entertainment such as porn movies, you can start to have a wonderful and adventurous sex life. Along with personal products that can really enhance your sex drive; you can explore a whole new way to make love that will bring the intimacy back into your relationship. You may become more daring and find that you really enjoy adding this particular aspect to your sex life. Many women love to watch porn but are afraid to try it for fear that their partner may look differently at them. Most likely this isn’t the case for men, but women may be afraid to bring up the topic themselves. If you bring it up, you may be pleasantly surprised at how eager she is to explore new parts of your relationship.

There are many other products that can help you feel good as well. There is one product in particular that will help you stay erect longer and give you a better orgasm and will also work to enhance the overall experience. Whether you want to try certain products or just experience the movie by itself, you will have a new outlook on your sex life, and your partner will be thrilled with how involved you are in making sure that together your sex life can reach completely new heights.

The Basic Science of Pornography Addiction

There are 5 main brain chemicals associated with pornography addiction and each has their own function within pornography addiction. They are Dopamine, Adrenaline, Serotonin, Prolactin and Oxytocin.

DOPAMINE

Dopamine is the main chemical pushing porn addiction; is a “neurotransmitter” (which simply means “a chemical in the body that carries a signal or impulse from one nerve cell to another”) and plays a huge role in all our lives whether we are addicts or not. Dopamine is, amongst many other things (such as being involved in everything from regulating movement to the control of attention) the chemical that gives us “expectation buzzes”. This buzz could be for the cake we fancy on the sweet trolley in a restaurant when we are still eating our main meal; the chase in sexual encounters; what can drive people to buy lottery tickets; the thrill we feel when we know we are going on our holidays soon or, in addiction, is (in part) the desire for the next fix of the wet, dry or behavioral drug we are addicted to. It is also the brain chemical behind the thrill when gossiping; the rush we feel when we hear a celebrity scandal or when we want to buy a tabloid to read what is on the front cover. Bottom line, dopamine is all about expectation and wanting (as opposed to necessarily liking) which is what can make it an incredibly destructive chemical when it comes to addiction. Dopamine is not about levels of pleasure per se. It’s about expectation and what, for instance, drives lust.

Dopamine loves novelty anything new and interesting… The newest car, game, sexual conquest, movie… A person could have a spike in dopamine just thinking of watching the next movie whilst still watching the current movie. Dopamine is behind the drive for more and more scenes when in a pornography binge and why a pornography addict will keep on clicking to see more and more images or videos as they get a surge of dopamine with anything novel and new. In response, the Pornography Industry has to keep upping the ante with its content to keep addict’s interest and money and why studios like Evil Angel – who specialize in the more extreme and taboo end of the market – are so profitable. Dopamine is also the chemical responsible for the motivating feeling behind the thought that you will be paid handsomely at the end of a rough pornography scene if you are a pornography performer…

We are all hooked on dopamine to a certain degree. Dopamine can give life some of its loveliest and memorable moments (low dopamine levels are also associated with depression)… but can also create hell for us when we become addicted to a wet, dry or behavioral drug.

Addicts have damaged the reward circuitry in their brains and will feel less of a hit with their drug fixes over time as it now becomes harder and harder to stimulate their reward systems and will therefore need more and more of the drug to get the same effect. Feeling less of a hit results in craving more of what will give the addict the same amount of “pleasure” as they had before it decreased… (remember dopamine is all about expectation and wanting – as opposed to necessarily liking – most addicts despise the lives they live when in active addiction yet still go back time and time again for more).

In addiction, new neural pathways are created in the addict’s brain which become, over time, about taking the path of least resistance. The rational side of the brain that understands about consequences subsequently becomes weaker over time too as the neural pathways that once ran the show are weakened as the addiction escalates and a tug of war will end up ensuing between the higher self and lower self. Levels of dopamine always decline over the course of an addict’s addiction career and the ante is always upped to get more as a result.

When you think that the definition of pornography is “Material whose primary purpose is to create sexual arousal” then it is easy to understand how the role of dopamine fits into that as dopamine is also released during genital orgasm as well as in the prelude to the orgasm. The more pornography a person does the more dopamine gets released which in turn reinforces the behavior and means the person not only desires it at some point in the future but requires it. The more porn a person does, the more they masturbate to orgasm and the more dopamine is released which further deepens the addictive cycle. It’s a feedback loop which becomes more and more difficult to escape from. The person then needs more extreme material to get sexually aroused which is when reality becomes the turn off and “boring”.

ADRENALINE

With dopamine in the driving seat of porn addiction, the need for more and more of it will take a person through some traumatising viewing material. With each new brutal or shocking image, the body releases the fight or flight hormone adrenaline to help the person cope with the trauma of what they have just witnessed on the screen.

You’ve heard of the term “adrenaline junkie”? Well that term applies just as much in porn addiction as it does for dangerous outdoor pursuits. Porn addicts – over time – also become addicted to adrenaline and will have to seek out ever more perverse, grotesque, violent, disturbing and illegal pornography to keep getting the same effect – just as adventurers have to do ever more dangerous acts to get their hits of adrenaline.

During this process the profoundly shocking pornography they are now forced to view by their addiction which many addicts would never have believed that they would have ever viewed once porn that assaults their souls can seem exciting pre-ejaculation/ orgasm. Once they have orgasmed though, addicts can now see what is on their screens and are often horrified and retraumatised by it.

And the whole sorry cycle just keeps getting worse and worse to the point that the only taboo pornography left to look in the end – which will give the adrenaline trauma hit addicts need – will be child pornography. When you have reward circuitry that is numb – which is what all active addicts have – the person will do anything to jack up the chemicals they need to feel less numb.

Whenever adrenaline is released in the body, whatever a person or animal is doing or looking at during those moments are burnt into the psyche. This is the reason why porn addicts can be haunted by porn images they have seen long after they stop viewing pornography. This is also the reason, on the positive side, why some beautiful sexual (or other) memories are remembered too. If the heart was beating faster at that time due to the release of adrenaline in the body, those memories too, will be burnt into the psyche.

OXYTOCIN

Oxytocin is the chemical that is released when a Mother and her new born baby are bonding after birth. Psychology Professor Ruth Feldman from Bar-Ilan University in Israel is at the forefront of oxytocin research. She has spent years studying oxytocin’s role in the mother-child bond as well as the role oxytocin plays in romantic bonds. Prof Feldman says “The increase in oxytocin during the period of falling in love was the highest that we ever found.” Prof Feldman concluded that “Romantic relationships can have a profound effect on adult’s health and well being whereas the inability to maintain intimate bonds has been associated with physical and emotional distress. Studies in monogamous mammals underscore the central role of oxytocin in pair bonding and human imaging studies implicate oxytocin in early romantic love… Oxytocin is known to promote trust, bonding and attachment between adults and between parents and their offspring… ”

Oxytocin is also known as the “cuddle hormone” or the “bonding chemical”. When two people are healthily bonding, masses of oxytocin is released and this is what will lay the foundations of a lifetime bond between the two people whether that person is a partner or a friend. It is necessary to keep doing the things which laid those foundations though for the bonds to endure as less oxytocin is released when there are problems in our relationships and it stops altogether when relationships end and this is part of the reason we feel so much agony within ourselves at the endings of those close relationships.

The trouble with pornography is that viewers become bonded – through oxytocin – with porn performers; particular photos or scenes and especially bonded with their porn stash as oxytocin is released during porn viewing. This is the reason porn addicts struggle to get rid of their stash once they make the decision to quit porn. Because of the oxytocin bond, it can feel like a death.

People can become bonded to anything that makes them feel good – from DJs on the radio to the local shop-keeper who makes them feel good by smiling at them. Where good feelings and pleasure are involved, bonding is always possible. And nowhere is that more ironically relevant than in pornography use.

SEROTONIN

Serotonin is often called “natural Prozac” and is released after sexual climax and what makes a person feel satisfied. This is the chemical responsible for men falling asleep after ejaculating and what many porn addicts use (without them realising that this is what they are doing) to help them fall asleep after a porn bender as it relaxes them. The hormone releases a person from stress for a while and why a calmness is felt after genital orgasm. Serotonin is also an inhibitor to dopamine which basically means it stops its release.

PROLACTIN

Prolactin is also an inhibitor to dopamine stopping its production in the body – and is released into the body post genital orgasm and what brings an end to traditional sexual intercourse. Prolactin is the chemical responsible for people who have just had sex desperately wanting to get away from each other.

If couples do not genitally orgasm, prolactin is not released.

Prolactin is also the chemical responsible for what is often called “post coital blues” which is the depression that comes for a few days post genital orgasm in both males and females. When in the “honeymoon mating frenzy” period of a relationship, we remain strongly bonded by high oxytocin levels and quickly overcome our “hormonal blues” (prolactin releases) by having more sex (therefore dopamine rushes).

Often in porn addiction – to counter that depression – porn addicts will begin another binging cycle to get the dopamine flowing in their bodies again and the whole cycle begins again. Depression at this point will come to be seen as a normal state and often not even recognised as even being depression especially if the addict starts taking anti-depressants.

The same is the case with couples in the early stages of their relationships. They will have frequent sex because of the novelty involved with the new relationship (the dopamine factor). If each sex session then has a genital orgasm, the whole dopamine-prolactin cycle will be going on there too and why as the relationship settles in, many people often start losing interest in sex with their partner as the novelty has worn off and begin to drift apart and/ or the two people start to look for someone else someone novel – so dopamine can start flowing in their bodies again because it is at this point that the lows of prolactin are now felt. That is prolactin in action and usually has nothing to do with how compatible the two people are with each other or their core relationship. This behavior is the same in humans, primates, mammals and reptiles because as Kruger et al explain, it originates in the primitive part of our brain.

I wonder just how many relationships dopamine and prolactin has broken up…

Prolactin is another reason men fall asleep after ejaculating as the higher the prolactin level, the sleepier a person gets.